Answers leading to more questions

I talked to Sid for the first time in what seems like forever. It felt good to talk to someone about my grandfather, someone on the outside, without a personal connection. It was, in essense just stating the obvious. As much as I've avoided going back home over the past few years, I'm gonna have to go back as much as I possibly can over the next few months. The time has come for me to face my fears and spend as much time as possible with Papa.

The question remains: What do I say to him? I was a teenager, I was gonna rebel about something, and he just happend to be in my path. By that rationale, I should be totally devoid of guilt over this, but seeing him face-to-face this weekend, The only words I couldn't say to him were the ones I needed to say the most. And the only time the words started to come out, he fell asleep on me. Ain't that about a bitch.

I told Sid about my lunch with Nicky, even thought there wasn't much discussed that Sid didn't already know.

At the end of the conversation, in a surprising change of subject, Sid asked me if I knew of any advertising jobs available in Tulsa. I told him the truth, that if there's ever a job open, there's usually a good reason why. I just left it at that.

For now, I'm gonna go to bed early tonight. That is, if Cody will shut the hell up. Got to get some sleep, got to stop thinking for the night.

Still left unsaid...for now

Saturday night was a quiet night with Nana and Papa. We heated up leftovers, which proved problematic for me later in the night. We spent most of the night watching TV. Around ten, I helped Papa back to his bedroom. I sat with him for a little bit, talking about a little bit of everything. When we got to the heart of the matter, the stuff we've been meaning to say to each other for a long time, that's when he fell asleep. Just my luck. I get a perfect change to say I'm sorry, and he falls asleep on me.

Sunday morning, we all got up early for another big breakfast. Betty showed up to watch after Papa so that Nana could go to church. She insisted that I go along with her. I wanted to give her my normal explanation about my negative feelings about religion, but I just left it at "I wanna spend some time with Papa."

There was no to-be-continued of our conversation the night before. Papa was weak, and slept off and on for most of the day. Nana got home around one and we had lunch. After which, I headed home.

I took the scenic route home, going about an hour out of my way, for no real reason. It was justa good day for a drive. When I got home, Cody was so happy to see me. Somehow, he had figured out how to knock the automatic feeder over and spill out all of the food. He must've eaten twice what he should have. I can't hold it against him. I like to eat way too much too when I'm left all alone.

Yesterday was the same old grind. I got through my work early, and got a jump start on the next. It was the same for today. If I keep this up, I'll be a over a week ahead by Friday.

Jeez, I gotta find something in my life other than work.

Not the way it oughta be...

I got to my grandparents' house around seven last night, just in time for dinner. Friday nights at their house is what Sunday dsupper was back in the "simpler time" most people talk about. We had twenty-six family members, spanning four generations, having dinner together, being together, and it was as beautiful as I remember from my youth. Nana worked as a cafeteria lunch-lady before becoming a nurse, and Papa was a cook in the army. Translation: Neither one of them know how to cook for less than fifty people. It's much less supper as it is a feast.

I only wish I could've gotten there sooner so I could help with dinner. Ordinarily, it was Nana in the kitchen taking care of side dishes, while Papa was manning the grill outside. Last night, as it has been for a couple months now, Papa was too weak to cook. So, my uncle was taking over for him, and it looked like it was breaking his heart. As it was mine. Here is a man who was always active, always doing something, always helping out his friends and family. And to have something, anything, causing him to sit it out, it was frustrating the hell out of him.

This latest round of aggressive chemo had taken a lot out of him. I sat beside him as he stretched out on the couch. I shook his hand at first, noticing his hands were swollen due to the treatment. He was so glad to see me, even though he called me by my brother's name more than one time.

After dinner, it was time for poker - No Limit, Winner-Take-All Texas Hold 'Em. There were two tables, eight to a table, and the top four from each table would play in a championship. At least I wasn't the first to lose, but I was second only to my sixteen-year-old-cousin James. So, I went into the living room to watch TV with Papa while he drifted in and out of sleep. I forgot how loudly that man can snore. It sounded like a jet engine running out of gas.

I woke up this morning to the smell of sausage and eggs on the griddle. Nana was getting breakfast together. I helped her out by fixing coffee and getting the biscuits out of the oven. My aunt Betty showed up with groceries from the Wal-Mart SuperCenter and completely restocked the pantry. We all sat down for breakfast, and it was pretty funny hearing Nana offer me more and more food because she still thinks I'm a growing boy when I'm six foot two, 250 pounds, and twenty-seven years old. All the while, we let Papa sleep in. Again, it wasn't the same without him.

Because of all that food, I was still full when I met Nicky for lunch. We talked for about an hour and a half. For once we talked about him almost all the time. He's been having trouble with his new boyfriend, Charles. Most of the trouble stems from the fact that Charles is still in the closet, and that any time they get together, it's only at Nicky's house or at the local gay bar. Nicky is paranoid that maybe Charles is hiding something, or is ashamed of their relationship. My heart goes out to the guy. He was on the verge of tears.

He had to go to work, so we said our goodbyes and I headed down the street to the internet cafe to update the blog. This afternoon, Nana wants to go to the mall for some shopping.

Dirty Laundry

If I'm gonna go away for the weekend, I gotta plan ahead for certain things, such as my cat. Because of his allergies, and the fact that I won't be able to give him his medicine, he's gonna have to stay inside. So, I went and bought an automatic feeder for him and set it up in the kitchen. While I was at PetsMart (or is it PetSmart?), I bought an auto-scooping litterbox and a small water fountain to keep the cat in fresh water for a couple days. Here's hoping he doesn't just piss all over the place.

Tonight, I do laundry. In the bulk amount I have to do, I can either a) stay up all night doing it here b) take it with me and do it at my grandparents' house or c) take it all to the laundromat tonight. I opted for c.

Unfortunately, so did everyone else in town. I had to wait 45 minutes to get a triple- and double-loader to get all the laundry done in one shot. i occasionally made eyes with this girl reading a book while drying her clothes. I kinda wanted to say something to her, but I was too much of a chickenshit. The only dryers available were across the room from the washers, and along the way, I accidentally dropped a pair of wet boxers. Guess who picked them up and handed them to me?

What an ice breaker that was. Out of embarassment, I bought her a soda and haded it to her saying "sorry you had to touch my underwear." She smiled at me, thanked me for the soda and said it was no trouble. I hung back, and waited for the right moment to go and talk to her. However, she just threw her dry clothes in a laundry bag and left. I was kinda hoping to talk to her while she folded her clothes.

I kinda take it as a sign. Maybe "she touched my underwear" is a good way to start the how-I-met-your-mother story to my future kids.

Once I got home, I finished watching CSI, and felt kinda guilty for even thinking about flirting with that girl when just 24 hours ago, I was obsessing over Grace.

Maybe I'm more screwed up than I thought I was.

Hang ups

Since I was gonna be in Fort Smith this weekend, I figured it would be a good thing to give Nicky a call and see if he wanted to catch luch while I'm in town this weekend. We ended up talking for a couple hours about what has happened since the last time I was in town a few weeks ago.

Grace has been asking Nicky about me, since she found out he and I have been in touch. She apparently has been acting all cool about the situation, but Nicky says she's just putting up a front. He tells me it's too soon for me to talk to her, that it's the same thing as when Jeff tried to talk his way back into the house after the first time he got physically abusive. She has a period of adjustment that has to take place where any decision is gonna be second-guessed later.

But wait a minute, it's been almost three weeks. How long is this period of adjustment gonna take? Besides, if she's as impressionable as Nicky is making her out to be, shouldn't this work in my favor? I just want her to know the truth about me, and not the jerk that jeff has always made me out to be...How could she possibly regret knowing the truth about me?

I asked Nicky for her number, and Nicky refused to give it to me. So, after I got off the phone with him, I called directory assistance.

I called her. It rang and rang, until voice mail picked up. It got through the outgoing message, then the beep, and I hung up. About an hour later, I felt like I should call her again, but decided against it. But, then again, if she's gonna second guess any decision during this time, being a stalker would be a good one for her to forget.

I keep feeling like I should call her. I should call her, but I really, really shouldn't. Dammit.

Gulp!

Well, I may be heading back to Fort Smith sooner than I previously thought. Instead of never, it'll be this weekend. I got a call from my grandmother and she reminded me that my grandfather's birthday is this weekend. From her answer to the question "How's he doing?"...this might be his last.

It's been a few months since I saw him. It was my cousin's wedding. He didn't look so hot back then. That was just after he got news about a relapse. According to my grandmother, the chemo hasn't been easy on him. He's weak and in constant pain. It was hard to see him in the condition he was in back then. I can only imagine how he looks now.

About fifteen years ago, my dad passed away, and Papa stepped in as father figure. He really helped me through that difficult time, and the fact that I treated him with such disdain for no other reason than simply being a teenager. Then, a few years later, I leave town altogether. Another reason I never went back, and what's worse is that every moment I spend away, the harder it is to say I'm sorry.

I'm leaving Friday night, and until then, I'm preparing myself for the worst.

Not going home anytime soon

Saturday night, I made a promise to myself that I would go out, alone, and not come home until at least three in the morning. The catch was, I couldn't allow myself to go anywhere that I went with my ex. The time has come for me to find my own places in this town.

This little plan of mine was going great for a couple hours. I went out for a bite to eat, where Denny's seemed like the most logical place one can eat alone and not get a second glance. Then, a little bit of pinball at the arcade, where I had a group of teenagers kept watching me play...Since when is pinball a spectator sport?

It was when I went to the first bar, that it all went to shit, and I ran into my ex's best friend, and not one of the good ones. She's a bit of a social intelligence officer. Every word that she says is suspect, with the purpose of starting shit with or about someone else. I had just gotten my drink when she spotted me and came over to talk to me. I instantly regretted ordering a large Heineken, a beer that was specifically designed to gag and choke anyone who tries to chug it. Damn those Dutch bastards.

I tried my best to keep the conversation brief. I just nodded, and kept very quiet. Fortunately, A friend of hers came over and interrupted us, giving me a chance to leave. I left half of my beer behind.

I didn't go straight back ot my car. Instead, I went for a walk. I got asked for spare change about twelve times, but I didn't care. It was a nice night, and I stopped on this bridge as a a train went underneath. I had a smoke and imagined two guys having a fist fight on top of the train. Then a bum asked me for some change and I went back to my car.

I drove around for the rest of the night. I saw all the groups haning out. The preppies on the south side, the Goths downtown, the college kids of midtown, etc. I went home feeling kinda weird, like an outcast because I don't fit in with the groups I saw out and about tonight. Yet, I felt kinda good, unique, like I'll never be like them. Conflicted, oh, a tad.

Grin & bear it

I got Cody back from the vet, and as it turns out, this cat has allergies. I have to feed him a pill every day until the vet tells me to stop. The problem is, this cat is all cuddly and cute until you have to force a pill down his throat, then he's like an epileptic Tazmanian devil that's high on angel dust.

Cat scratches aside, today was so-so. there was a bit of turbulance at work, but overall everything went smoothly. Had a great lunch downtown with my boss. Not only did he pick up the tab, but he bought me a beer. He tried to get me to talk about what's been bothering me, but I felt weird talking to him about it. I just told him it was a little girl trouble, and I left it at that.

I went out for a few drinks tonight, and I wound up playing shuffleboard with this girl down at the bar. She and I got to talking, I bought her a couple drinks. I was kinda surprised how well things were going. I would've thought my heart was clearly on my sleeve, and that I had "depressed and heart-broken" written all over my forehead. The conversation flowed freely, I was funny, strangely charming, and I was on a roll...until she mentioned her boyfriend...her CURRENT boyfriend. At that point, I didn't know what was going on. I guess I went into unconscience nod-and-smile mode.

And I thought I was making progress.

The three stages of ugh

I tooka a long lunch to take Cody to the vet. I had no way of knowing if this cat had it's shots or not, but the Vet said they'd run some tests. I guess this is a step forward for me, I'm accepting responsibility for another living thing. Eek!

So, I have a night totally to myself, not even a cat to bother me...that is until Sid called me. I forgot to call him like I said I would. All he wanted to talk about was the Grace debacle. He called while I was walking around the mall, So it was nice to see other people react to my increasing depression. Ugh...

After the mall, I stopped off at the bookstore for a coffee. That one girl I flirted with was there, and either that's her selling attitude all the time, or she's kinda into me. I'm too screwed up to tell. She saw that I was a little bummed and she tried to cheer me up. I bought a couple magazines and went home. Double-ugh...

I left the TV on as I fell asleep, and woke back up during a rerun of the Simpsons, the one where Principal Skinner gets dumped by Edna Krabapple. I found myself relating to it in a way that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Triple-ugh...

Somebody help me.

New Week, New Attitude

I started my day and my week with newfound vigor. I tackled my workload and finished up by 1:00. I spent the rest of my day cleaning and rearranging my office. I found that the attitude was contageous, and my boss and two other people took to rearranging their offices.

I stayed for about an hour after work to get a jump on tomorrow. Then it hit me, am I being proactive, or do I just want to be distracted from my personal that bad? I dropped what I was doing, and went out for something completely unhealthy at Metro Diner. After downing the three-way chili, a chocolate malt and about half a roll of Tums, I drove around for an hour or so before going home.

Cody the cat was glad to see me, of course, and even happier to see the dry cat food I poured for him. After the cat had his dinner, I let him in while I watched a movie. Blade Runner, one of my favorites. There was one line that I guess I never payed much attention to, but I found myself rewinding to hear it again and again. "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and you have burned so very very brightly, Roy."

That got me to thinking about hope. I've had many instances in my life where I've lost hope, almost to the point of no return. It may seem like that at times nowadays, but something's keeping me going. Father Edward back home would tell me that God is testing me. While I appreciate the thought that I'm being tested, I can't help but think that I keep going simply to piss off those who put me down in the first place.

But then, I thought about that line, and maybe one day the light will burn out. I gotta stop thinking like that.

I haven't heard from Sid for a couple days. I should give him a call, but not tonight.

Pity party

Ever since Monday, I've shut out the world around me. At work, I've only allowed enough human contact to get the job done. Coming home, I would lock the door behind me and not open it until I had to leave the next morning. I've left about twenty phone calls unanswered. Calls from my mom, my grandmother, Sid and Nicky. Nicky called me the most, leaving voice mails telling me to call him, sometimes right away, sometimes whenever I can.

So, I finally called him back, last night. He told me how Jeff had called the police, claiming assault. A witness reported that it was Jeff who threw the first punch. I would've maybe suspected Grace to be that witness, maybe Sam, but in an unprecedented move, it was Clara. That blew me away. I could've been facing jail time, and she stood up for me. Then again, She probably had a lesser-of-two-evils moment.

As for Grace, I didn't ask. Nicky said that she's doing okay, and that she's being very quiet about what happened Sunday night. I didn't press the subject. I screwed up, and this time it's irreversable. Period.

Nicky argued that idea. He said he's pulling for me. I told him it's a lost cause. I told him I'd keep in touch, but don't be expecting me to be coming back anytime soon.

I know I'm being hard on myself. The pity party is entering its fifth day. After graduation, the party lasted two months. I've got time.

Hitting the fan

I've had to take a few hours after saying goodbye to Sid this afternoon to reflect on the events of this past weekend, because it went extremely sour at the end.

I got the call from Grace yesterday, shortly after my last post. She said she had some family stuff to do in the afternoon, but she'd love to have dinner with me. Just she and I...For the first time in years, I was giddy. Seriously giddy.

After grabbing a bite to eat, Nicky, Sid and I went all over town doing absolutely nothing, and I really mean that. Absolutely nothing. We went to the mall, but didn't buy anything. We we went to the park, but only sat in the car talking for an hour. We went back to the hotel room and watched TV. Absolutely nothing. And it was great.

Around six, I got another call from Grace. She said she had some bad news, and was wondering if this whole dinner thing be a double-date with Clara and Sam. I said okay, but I was kinda pissed. Much like in high school, Clara is Grace's shadow, constantly hanging around because she either has no life, or feels like Grace needs some sort of protection. This little move of tagging along, I feel, is maybe a bit of both, given the historical perspective.

Once I showed up at the restaurant (which was within walking distance of the hotel), I could see that Grace was not pleased at the situation, either. Clara was doing her thing, demanding attention, interrupting me and everyone else. We all just kept nodding, pretending to agree with her, trying not to rile her up. Sam just kept agreeing with her, in that pathetic way that just screams I HOPE I GET LAID TONIGHT. Lots of fun.

Right as our food got to the table, Grace's phone started to ring off the hook. The first couple times, she would just check the Caller ID and switch it over to voice mail. After the third time, frustrated, she excused herself from the table to go outside. As she walked away, we heard her very agitated voice answer with, "WHAT NOW?" I turned to Clara and asked, "Ex-husband?" She nodded yes, and that was the end of that conversation. I soon excused myself to go after Grace.

Once I got outside, Grace was on the verge of tears. She was explaining to her ex that she was having dinner with friends, if it was any of his business, which it wasn't. She had a few more bitter exchanges before she hung up. I went up to her to comfort her, and it was strange to, first of all, to offer her a hug, secondly to have her accept without any hestiation. She had a good cry into my shoulder, and I kissed her forehead before we gathered our composure and went back inside.

Sensing we could use some comfort food, I ordered some cake for dessert. Grace and I split a slice, while Clara and Sam did the same. It was so nice for a number of reasons, but mostly because it shut Clara up enough to allow Grace and I to share this moment in peace and quiet.

Then, all hell broke loose.

I looked up at the front of the restaurant just in time to catch Jeff Mallard walking in the door. I hadn't seen that dude in years, and boy he looked pissed. Then, I noticed he was coming right over to our table. My confusion ove the situation lasted all of thirty seconds with Jeff looking straight at Grace and saying, "You fucking hang up on ME?!?"

Clara stands up and gets right in his face. I take Grace by the arm and we rush out the back of the restaurant. Grace immediately took the defensive, saying how she was wanting to tell me about Jeff, how sorry she was for hiding this from me, etc. I was still in shock, feeling like I had walked right into an episode of the Twilight Zone.

I stood there slackjawed. Jeff. My biggest rival in high school. The guy who stole this woman away from me, this I knew and accepted. But marriage? Children? This was beyond...beyond BEYOND! I don't know the words to describe how I feel about this. It's been almost an entire day, and I'm still in total shock.

The rest of this happened so fast that I'm writing this mostly to try to remember what happened. Clara came bursting out the door, followed closely by Jeff. She tried to stop him at the door, but he pushed her aside like a rag doll. I got right in his face, standing in his way of Grace. Everything came at once. All the shit he pulled in high school, the way he turned everyone against me back then, all the crap Grace told me he put her through, all of that piktted up in my stomach as I told him, "I think it'd be best if you leave, now."

This was that fine line between being polite and diplomatic and being a total pussy. He wouldn't budge. In fact, he took a step closer. We stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds before I felt something hit me upside my head. After falling to the ground for a second, I shook it off and got back up, and got right back in his face again. I've kicked his ass before, I could do it again. He punched me again, but I stayed on my feet. This is where it all gets a little hazy. The last thing I remember clearly is Sam pulling me off of Jeff. Grace was gone, and Clara wasn't saying a word. She just just tokk Sam by the arm and they walked off.

I left Jeff on the ground and walked away.

I walked past the hotel and in the direction of Grace's house. It was about six miles away, so it took me about an hour and a half witht he way my head was feeling. I opened the squeaky gate at the bottom of the staircase leading up to her apartment and the porch ligh came on. Grace opened the front door, but stayed behind the screen door. I stayed at the bottom of the stairs.

It was atr this moment, that I went too far, that I scared her, that I hadn't changed at all since that fight in the schoolyard nine and a half years ago. If there's anything I've learned in the failed relationships I've had in the time since then, it's when it's best not to say anything. I was just about to say something when a little boy came up beside Grace. She picked him up. He looked at me and said hi.

I responded with a "Hello, little guy, what's your name?" With his mouth full of his own fingers, he said his name was-I think-Ben. Grace wrapped it all up by saying she had to get Ben back to bed. Before she could close the door, I told her I was sorry. For everything leading up to that moment, and probably everything afterward. I have blown it...again.

I walked for another hour or so before I ended up at the hotel. I walked in to find Sid and Nicky raiding the mini-bar. I told them what happened, as best as I could recall, and we drank until I could forget the bad parts.

In the morning, I was on the floor, Nicky was on the sofa and Sid was asleep with his torso hanging off the side of the bed. I went out for a run, and when I came back, I packed up my stuff and made Sid do the same.

We said our goodbyes to Nicky and hit the road. The sooner, the better, in my opinion. Misunderstood ten years ago, today disgraced. The only other thing I'll say is it was a quiet ride home.

Three and a Half Out of Ten

We all met up for dinner at the Hamburger Barn downtown. The food isn't near as good as I remembered it back in high school. There was a weird vibe in the air that night, at least for me, because this is where I took Grace on our first official date. I doubt that she remembered that night, but I do.

After dinner, we had a few drinks, except for SId, who vowed only to drink soda all night. Clara got a little unruly a few times. She was wearing a low-cut shirt over a particularly unflattering body, but to some of these guys, breasts are breasts. Sam kept puffing up his chest to any of these guys that got back in Clara's face.

Nicky, tried to play peacekeeper, but he looked like he was gonna come unglued at any moment. Grace looked distracted all night, frequently stepping outside for phone calls. I suspected that this all had something to do with her son, or maybe her ex-husband, or both...she was being rather quiet about it.

This really wasn't the spirit of comraderie that I was expecting after the past couple nights. It this point, it was coming closer to what I was expecting before I arrived. Out of fear of being singled out and turned on, I opted to stay quiet.

Things calmed down around ten, when we made our way to the park. The last remnants of the barbequing families were leaving the park, so we were alone, all save for a group of teenagers hanging out across the pond from us. Nicky said that we should stay out in the open, because the picnic areas in the woods is the local gay sex haven. Sid was quick to point out the level of experience in Nicky's tone when he said that.

We all talked for about an hour, sitting there on the grass. Nicky was looking for a break in the conversation so that he could break out our lists. When he started to pass them out, Grace got another phone call. She walked away from the group to have a little privacy, but we could still hear her side of the conversation as she started to argue with who was on the other line. I asked Nicky and Clara about her ex husband, and they got kinda tight-lipped. They wouldn't even say the guy's name, saying he's known simply as "the prick".

Well, "the prick" wouldn't let Grace off the phone, so she eventually hung up. When he called back, she turned off her phone and rejoined the group. She was a bit shaken up as Nicky handed out the lists. I brought up that it didn't feel right to do this right now. There had been a bit too much drama to go and relive everything we may not have accomplished over the past ten years.

At this point, Sid offered a solution that we could agree on. We don't have to read them aloud unless we wanted to. So, we all sat and read our lists to ourselves, chuckling at some, groaning at others. My list went as follows:

TEN THINGS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH BEFORE LABOR DAY WEEKEND, 2005:

1. GET OUT OF THIS TOWN. Check!
2. LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR. It was determined in college that my fingers were far too stubby to ever play a string instrument, not to mention I can't hold rhythm for more than a minute.
3. TOUR EUROPE. The closest I came was the International House of Pancakes.
4. GET MARRIED. Why did I, at age 17, have a dream of getting married?
5. HAVE KIDS. See #4.
6. BE A SUCCESSFUL ARTIST. Well, I'm employed, so that counts as at least half.
7. BEAT MYST. That sounds more like a 17-year-old. Finished that my first week in college.
8. WRITE A BOOK. Still working on that.
9. SWIM IN BOTH ATLANTIC AND PACIFIC OCEANS. Here's another one I wonder why I had this desire at age 17. I did it, though. Florida in 1999, California in 2003.
10. SEE THE SMASHING PUMPKINS IN CONCERT. Hell, I stopped listening to them four years before they broke up. Oh, well.

No one really shared their lists out loud, we just shared a number. Nicky was at 8, Clara was 3, Sam was 7, Grace 5, Me 3 1/2, and Sid was 10. I read his list later, I must say he aimed rather low and settled for very little.

We all sat by the pond for a while after that, not saying much, just finishing off the beer we brought with us. Sid and I called out early and went back to the hotel. On our way to the car, Grace pulled me aside, asking me when I was heading back. I knew we were needing to be back before three monday afternoon, so Sid can catch his flight at five. I told her I guess we could stay past Sunday night, and she asked if I wanted to go have dinner. I didn't hear her say the word "alone", but I guessed that's what she meant. I told her to call the hotel in the morning and we'll make plans.

That 17-year old kid inside me just screamed YIPEE!

Kill me now and I'd die happy

We showed up early at Nicky's house, mostly because there was nothing else to do in town. It was good just to hang out while Nicky got everything ready for dinner. Sid was being unusually quiet. Maybe I over-embellished the events of the previous night. Perhaps he was a bit embarrassed.

Clara showed up around six, and as we found out, she lived there, too. She was relatively friendly the whole night, or she was too tired form work to be her usual bitchy self (Nicky's words, not mine).

Around seven, Sam walked in. He hadn't changed a bit, in my opinion. He looks just about the same as he did ten years ago, only with less hair. He's working as a pharmacist up in Fayetteville, and in talking to him, he really needs to get out from behind the counter more often. Nevertheless, Clara was warming up to him all night, and I'd occasionally catch Nicky rolling his eyes at the sight of his sister flirting so shamelessly.

Not long after Sam showed up, about a half an hour, Clara left to go pick up Grace. Grace apologized about being late, then hesitantly explained that she wait until her father got home so he could watch her son. I sensed she was afraid to talk about having a kid, for some reason. This piqued my interest, so I asked her about him. Proudly, she pulled a few pictures out of her purse. He looked like a miniature version or her, only with blonde hair instead of brown. Every picture, he's looking directly at the camera and hamming it up, big time.

Over dinner, we talked about politics, and thank God we were all pretty much on the same page on a lot of the issues. The whole night could've gone straight to hell if this had turned into a debate. After dinner, we all went into the living room. We tried having the TV on, but every channel was showing footage of people stranded in New Orleans. Grace said she had an uncle who got out at the last minute, and is staying with her dad until everything gets sorted out.

At one point, I step outside to have a smoke. Grace comes out to join me, or should i say, bum a smoke off of me (she's been tring to quit). We talk for a few minutes, then I suggested we go for a walk.

We must've walked for the good part of an hour. The conversation quickly turned into the Cliff's Notes of our respective failed relationships. I joked at first, saying that the break-up was about religious differences: I was raised Catholic, and she liked to sleep with other men. After that, I went into more detail. I realized that I had been rather tight-lipped about my breakup, but with her it all flowed out rather naturally. It felt good to get a few of these things off my chest, and it felt even better to see that she didn't mind that I was going on and on. Grace, in turn, went into the details of her ex. How he never helped out with the baby, never let her do anything outside of the house. The moment he began to enforce his rules with the back of his hand intead of screaming at her, that's when she left. I guess misery loves company.

There was a moment, though. The sun was just going down, and we had stopped walking, deciding it's time to head back. We looked each other in the eye, and everything went silent. I could've kissed her and I was 90% sure she would've let me. But, I didn't. I broke our gaze and signalled we should head back.

When we got back, the wine was flowing. Sam and Clara were dangerously close to each other. Sid and Nicky were making some sort of drinking game out of a re-run of CSI. Grace suggested dessert, so she went into the kitchen to serve up some cheesecake. I followed to help her serve.

I suddenly got curious about the reason behind the whole reunion. I remeber that we all wrote down our lists, but I don't know what happened to mine. Grace said that Nicky had held onto the lists, only he didn't find them until about two years ago. According to Nicky, we'll do the whole reading ceremony tomorrow night at the park (I love how he make things sound more official than they really are).

Around eleven, Grace had to go home, but Clara didn't want to end things with Sam. Sid looked like he was ready to go, so I volunteered to take her home on our way back to the hotel. On the way, Sid had fallen asleep. Grace told me to drop him off at the hotel first. Why, I had no idea, but I did it anyway.

At her house...or should I say garage apartment behind her father's house...she left me alone while she went down to the house to check on her son. He was fast asleep and didn't want to leave, so that just left Grace and I alone. We just talked for two hours while a movie played in the background. Around two, she was yawning uncontrollably, and I knew that I would either have to make my exit or something even more stupid like make my move. She walked me back to the car, and gave me a hug, saying she was glad to see me. Kill me now and I'd die happy.

Once back at the hotel, I cought Sid flipping channels off fo the pay-per-view porno movie I suspect he was watching. I teased him about it, and he shot right back at me with what he guessed Grace and I were doing for nearly three hours. I just layed down and went to sleep.

Morning

I woke up this morning and went out for a little run around downtown. There's an old corn processing plant that spews this vile smelling smoke into the air and has since the late sixties. Gee whiz, it's good to be back home.

When I got back to the hotel room, I took a shower, got dressed, started a pot of coffee and channel surfed until I heard Sid coming back to life on the sofa. We still had another hour until we were supposed to meet Nicky downstairs for a late breakfast. Plenty of time to fill Sid in on the evening he was too drunk then and too hung over now to remember. I embellished a bit just to make the experience a little more humbling for him.

Nicky called up from the lobby to let us know that the breakfast buffet is almost over, so if we wanted to eat, now's the time. So, we went downstairs to meet him. Nicky was quick to point out that Sid was wearing the same clothes he was last night. I wolfed down a entire plate of eggs and hash browns. Nicky had some canteloupe while Sid sipped black coffee. We talked about last night, and Nicky said he got a call from Grace this morning. He kinda left it at that. I could've tried to get more information out of him, but I thought it would be best not to appear too eager.

We all made plans to meet at Nicky's house for a cookout later. For a brief moment, we considered driving north for the afternoon to get some six-point beer in Missouri, but decided against it A) because the cost of gas would be too high, and B) the last thing either of us need after last night is more alcohol.

So, we're back in the room, trying to decide what we want to do this afternoon before we go over to Nicky's. Now's as good a time as any to update the blog.

I thought we all hated each other?

I'm still pretty drunk, so if this post seems a little disjointed, you'll know why.

The evening went surprisingly well, however, there was plenty of alcohol to go around. When we arrived at the bar, Nicky flagged us down from the back of the bar, where he and Clara were playing pool. My God, Nicky has changed so much. He put down his pool cue and gave me a hug, something he would've been scared shitless to do back in the day. He was always very shy and stand-offish back then and it was difficult to even get so much as a handshake from him. A lot has changed with him. He seems more outgoing, more open in his mannerisms. It's no wonder he was so excited about this whole reunion.

Clara is pretty much just like I remember her: Extremely sarcastic, almost to the point of being hateful. Like most bitter things in this world, she seems to have only gotten worse with age. Back in high school, she was just being a teenager. Today, she's had the life experience needed to justify the attitude.

We all got to drinking and chatting about whatever, but things didn't start to get personal until Grace showed up.

I only hope she didn't think I was some kind of creep by the way I kept looking at her all night. She is just beautiful. I always remember the way she carried herself as a teenager, and she hasn't lost that as she's gotten older. She was, however, quieter I thought than the enthusiatic speaker I once knew.

We all started a game of doubles pool with Nicky and Clara on one team and Sid and I on the other. Clara, in a strategic move, always timed the personal questions for my shot. She asked about my life in Tulsa, about my relationships, about my career...all rather bluntly, I might add, and kinda threw a bucket of ice water on the good times when she did so. I did my best to answer her questions without being rude or being bitter in front of Grace, but I could tell Grace was getting increasingly uncomfortable. She stepped outside at one point, she said, to make a phone call.

I took Nicky aside to talk in private. I wanted to get some information out of him about Grace. The short of it is, she's divorced, has a five-year-old son, and she's back in school now finishing up her Master's. After a while, it seemed she wasn't coming back, so I excused myself to get a breath of fresh air. Once outside, I saw that she was still on the phone, arguing with whomever was on the other end. I lit up a smoke, making sure to stay just out of earshot. I have a feeling I didn't want to know what this was all about.

When she hung up, she looked a bit rattled. I asked if everything was okay, and she said yes, then abruptly changed the subject back to me. She sat down on the curb, then grabbed my arm for me to sit next to her. She asked me about my life, and I must admit, my response was about 80% bullshit. I did everything in my power to hide my anxiety over the fact that here was the girl I believed I once loved, a girl that I really REALLY screwed things up with, and nine years later, We're sitting really REALLY close to one another on the curb outside a bar having a rather pleasant conversation as if nothing had ever happened.

Before I had a chance to ask her about her life, Clara came out with another bucket of ice water. So, we went back inside, had some more drinks and played some more pool. Clara kept asking questions, but Nicky kept trying to get her to shut up. I had been drinking my usual Jaeger shots and Guinness all night, but Grace had ordered a round of her shot of choice, Jamesons whisky. You know, the Irish in me was ready to fall in love with this girl all over again, just for her choice in alcohol.

Around half past midnight, we all kinda tapered off of alcohol, except for Clara and Sid, who drank enough for the rest of us put together. I had never seen Sid, or anyone for that matter, THAT drunk in my entire life. I knew that whether he'd be puking his guts out, or passed out, or both, I'd have to drive his ass back to the hotel. Fortunately, he just passed out. Which meant the wonderful conversation I was intermittantly having with Grace would be cut short.

And that's how the night ended, with me carting Sid's drunk ass up to the room, dropping him on the sofa as I update the blog while the events are fresh in my mind.

One thing is for certain: I was pretty much wrong in hating these people all these years. Sid was right, they seem to have forgotten all about what happened, or at the very least, put it all behind them. We'll be meeting Nicky tomorrow morning for a late breakfast, so even thought the evening came to a rather abrupt end, it's only a to-be-continued until tomorrow.

Welcome back

Even though my boss gave me the day off, I went into the office for a couple hours to get some work done. It's the least I could do for the favor of lett me off for a couple days on a moment's notice. Around ten, he told me to get the hell out, and he'll see me on Tuesday.

I got back home just after Sid woke up. We got everything loaded up and hit the road. The trip down, we listened to a couple mix CDs Sid whipped up of music we listened to back in the day. Most of them we were rocking out to, while some of them made us cringe they were so damn cheesy.

We were there in no time. We pulled into the hotel and listened to one more song before going inside.

Jesus, my needs are pretty simple sometimes. Once we got to the hotel, I totally geeked out over the free internet. Anyway, we dropped off our stuff in the room and went for a drive.

Most of the old stomping grounds are still there, but most of the places we went to because they were all run down and really good for listening to the Cure are now upscale shopping centers. All of the cool places we went to mock the conformists are now the run down places. It's like an alternate reality.

Sid had the horrible idea of driving past my old house, only to see that it's been razed into a parking lot. Ironic, really because my mom used to yell at us for parking on the lawn. My folks moved out of town after I went to college. Going to their new house doesn't feel like home at all. It was kinda depressing to be standing on ashpalt where my old kitchen used to be.

I suggested we get seriously bummed and visit Sid's old home, even though his family moved as well. He reminded me that they all lived in a trailer. When they moved, they really moved. I guess it's all a sign that you can never go home.

We had skipped lunch, so Sid suggested Emily's Restaurant. This was a place we spent a lot of time at as teenagers, mostly because Nicky worked there and got us the occasional free appetizer. Once we were seated, we both decided to play an old game we used to play whenever we went to a place we hadn't been to in a while. We'd each fake a mental illness, just to mess with the wait staff. Sid called dibs on Kleptomania, which is what I was gonna call. My moment of cursing him led me to deciding on Tourette's Syndrome. I'd pepper my conversation with little outbursts, being careful not to piss off the management, while Sid was filching silverware and the occasional salt shaker. It was a welcome distraction from all of the anxiety I've had about this trip.

We got the call from Nicky and made plans for drinks with everyone later. Ugh...deep breath, deep breath, calm blue ocean.

Everything must go, including me

After we finished with the movie, Sid and I had a couple cigarettes and talked about the whole breakup. He has a real talent for getting to the truth of the matter. It's a byproduct of knowing me for over twenty years. He knows when I'm hiding something.

My bluff got even harder to hold up when my boss called me. He reconsidered, and said that anything I needed to do could wait until Tuesday morning. Well, shit. I didn't tell Sid right away. I didn't want to let go of my only bargaining chip.

We got back to the breakup. It's strange that this was the preferable topic of conversation. After a while, we got to the heart of the matter. I wasn't happy in the relationship, neither was she. Things were getting progressively worse day by day, and the breakup was an all-too-welcome change. I said I was okay with it all. I'm on my own again, and I don't need that kind of drama.

Sid cried foul. He said I was in denial. He was trying to get a rise out of me. He said that if I was really okay with all of this, then why did I have mementoes of the relationships all over my new place?

Man, I hate to admit when the dude has a point. At least half of the things on my shelves were acquired during the relationship. I'm a 27-year-old man, and I have a Valentine's Beanie Baby on my entertainment center. I still have pictures of her hanging around. I have Sleepless in Seattle on DVD.

Again Sid makes some solid points. Am I really over her? Hell, we broke up less than three weeks ago, so the answer is obviously no. However, I am happier without her. Do I still think of her? Yes I do, but they're not happy thoughts. What triggers these thoughts? A lot of these things lying around might just be the answer to that.

So, Sid and I set about cleansing the place of any shred of her memory. All the stuffed animals, pictures, everything with the smallest touch of femininity must go in the trash. We've been tossing stuff in a huge garbage bag for about an hour, and we're about to carry it all out to the dumpster and lay it to rest. I must admit, it feels good. I finally understand minimalism.

Sid's been right so far, so I finally concede. I'm gonna go with him to this reunion thing. Who knows, it could be fine. If not, we'll be driving back early. It's pretty much win/win at this point.

Although, I'm getting pretty good at bullshitting myself.