The funeral

Nana got me up at the crack of dawn. Fortunately, she had a cup of coffee and a huge breakfast ready for me. I have the feeling that having to take care of Papa every day for over a year is a hard habit for her to break. We had a few hours to go before we had to be at the church for the funeral. Thanks to friends and family, there was very little to do around the house and very little that Nana would need from the store. So, we sat and talked for a while.

Nana asked how I was holding up. I was seconds away from asking her the same thing. I told her that this whole experience seemed all too familiar much like I've been reliving my father's death from fifteen years ago. This began a long discussion about that time.

The whole time my father was in the hospital, I felt as if I was the only one holding out any hope that he would get better. Over the years, I've thought that I was just being a naive little kid who didn't understand what was happening. As Nana and I discussed what happened, many things became clearer. Most importantly was that I was in denial all that time. Deep down, I knew there wasn't anything that could be done to save him. What it all boils down to is that I've been bullshitting myself for years.

And the thought of that brought on the bigger realization that I've held the same philosophy towards every bad situation in my life, like I've always been waiting for the plane to pull out of a dive, right up to the point that it crashes into the ground like a dart. It was that way through the last months of high school, waiting for that one moment where Grace would realize she was wrong about me. It was that way with my ex-fiancee, which ended up being way too little way too late.

All my life, I've been running away from the painfully obvious by feigning ignorace. With Papa...for the first time in my life, I've faced the pain head on, and the jury's still out on whether I'm a better man for it.

It was really cloudy this morning, but the clouds parted just in time for the funeral. All of us entering the church took notice of this, almost as if it was magical. The service itself was brief by Catholic funeral standards. Henry, my cousins and I-the pallbearers-all sat quietly with tears streaming down our faces. Nana looked rather stoic, only occasionally dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

As we carried out the casket, I noticed Nicky, Grace and Ben sitting in the back row. I gave them all a so-glad-to-see-you-but-I'm-a-little-busy look. I noticed them later at the cemetery while I was sitting with the family. I kept looking over at Grace, feeling a bit guilty for not having called her in several days, even thought the reasons were obvious.

At the reception, therte was a huge buffet that barely covered everyone who showed up. We each took a turn telling stories about Papa. I almost opted out of this activity, given that many of my stories about him are either about teenage angst or of him in the hospital. But then I remembered our last conversation. It really summed up how intuitive, how direct, and how delightfully tactless that man was. I miss him so much.

I stepped outside to have a smoke, sitting alone on a concrete bench. I closed my eyes for a while and when I opened them again, Ben was standing in front of me, and behind him, Grace. I said hi to Ben and stood up to give Grace a hug. not really knowing what else to say, I gave them the standard thanks-for-coming line that I've gotten used to saying over the past couple days. Grace said they couldn't stay long because she was due back at work. So, I walked them back to their car.

While saying goodbye, I suddenly got a grasp of everything I left back in Tulsa. My job, bills to pay...hell, I had totally forgotten about Cody, my cat. With my mind now flooded with all this stuff I have to do, It took me a moment to snap back to the present and say goodbye to Grace. I gave her a hug and a brief kiss and she was on her way.

I stepped back inside and spent time with the family. When things started to wind down, I helped clean up and drove Nana back to the house. It was 3:30 in the afternoon at this point. I declined Nana's offer to stay for dinner and packed up my stuff to head back home. I gave Nana a big hug and told her to call me if she needed anything. Then, I hit the road.

I had the radio off the whole trip. The last thing I needed on a day like this was to distract myself with whatever drivel the radio was gonna play. I thought about Papa, Nana, about the choices I've made in my life, and how everything is changed forever. Both my father and my father figure are gone, existing only in my memory. In many ways, I still feel as if I've betrayed those memories, but I also feel redeemed for those betrayals. I don't know. I'm still trying to sort it all out.

So, I'm home now. Cody managed to survive by ripping open the huge bag of cat food and, I assume, drinking from the toilet. The only trouble area was the litter box, which was filled to the bursting point. For a moment, I almost called the HazMat team in, but instead held my breath, dumped it all out in the dumpster and hosed the room with Lysol. But Cody was glad to see me.

I called my boss at home and told him I'd be in tomorrow morning, and apologized for all of the time off. He told me that things were a bit hectic, but the managed. The servers were fixed, nay upgraded, and everything should be just fine.

Now, I'm gonna get some sleep and ready myself to return to the life of Declan MacManus, already in progress.